Can something be over before it began? - The reality of being an indie author

Had a rough night. Probably the roughest in a long time. I know it's going to be one of those sleeps where I wake up and it doesn't feel real because that's how triggering and bad it was. I don't want to get to into detail, as this is still the internet and Its in one of the quietest corners, but some things shouldn't be shared.

I'll just talk about something else that weighs heavy on my mind.

I think I am going to give up on my career as a writer. Hence the title of this post. I have been writing for 6 years. Of those 6 years in total, I put up 10 books. Only 8 remain as I realized they don't suit my image anymore. During those times of 6 years I sold 286 books, got 18 solid reviews, a small following on Instagram with about 1600, then 450 on threads, and then 1400 on TikTok. The best part is when you search my pen name, an actual footprint starts to form. I seem to have one loyal fan who writes a review under every poetry collection I publish... I saw her blog post about me... which is why I started this blog. but then here is the catch out of those 286 books I sold, only about 40 were paid for as the only time I "sell" a book is when it's a free deal. Now I simply happy that people even thought to put them in their library, but it feels like a bad thing for me as a writer that out of 286 books sold... I have 18 reviews, and most of which I asked for. 

To have 286 copies of your book out and not be able to make a single one of those copy holders feel a thing enough to leave a review. No impression being made on 286 people means my books are basically just crap. Bad or good if people talk about it, it did something.

I tried campaigning where I wasted damn near 500 dollars just to get my book in front of people on amazon only to make less than 10 cents on each copy. I sold maybe 7 or 8 copies from this. Ive spent money on promotions on tik Tok and Instagram just so I could get my works in front of people's eyes because I genuinely thought I had something worth saying, especially to people who struggle with mental health just like me. All together in 6 years. I might have made 20 bucks from my sales. After pouring damn near 4k.

but it turns out in a sea of spectacular, I am not even a speck. My voice doesn't cling to anything or anyone. I have managed to fail at making meaningful connections 6 years straight as an author, and my own family members don't really care to hold their own copies of my books anymore. My partner buys my books, but even they don't read them!

It's almost like the writing world is trying to tell me something. I don't have "It" I don't even know what "It" is, I just know I don't have it.

I may make one last attempt at it; I have a few more books I want to do before I seal my " author career" as over. One is a space fantasy romance; this will probably end up being a series of 3 books. If I ever manage to write them... Its already outlined. Just have to sit down with a cup of joe with some music....

but my final sign off will probably be something I call Jupiter's Vault. It will have every poem I have ever written in it. (The best ones)

From the raw depressed ones to the ones filled with love, to the ones filled with awe, and more.

and to really make sure I did all I could... I am going to try to do poetry reads out loud on tik Tok even though I hate my face and my voice.

It's probably just one big waste of time anyway... If I fail all those projects above... I will at least publish my vault in one big book. Maybe title it...

Jupiter signing off. 

#LOL

- Jupiter M. Moon

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Taking a BREAK! - VENTING

 I have had quite a discouraging week with my social media. I have released about four books since my semester at university ended all of which I placed links up for on all my socials. On tik Tok, Instagram, and threads I have an audience combined sitting at 3000 followers. So, I'm posting link after link of my books, and I got a dm from somebody telling me that they basically tried to buy one of my books and the link didn't work. So, I go through and none of my link's work. Now I have been posting them for months, and this meant one of two things to me. One people either have been clicking them and since the links didn't work, they just moved on... or two nobody has been clicking them at all. Now I have been trying to build connections like nobody's business, and I never see a page read in kenp. I have people who occasionally message me saying that they bought my book and that they read it but it never shows in the sales meaning they just lied... ( Maybe the system glitched but I wait a week or so after to see if they meant it and it never shows)

Now I am not trying to scream woe is me, this post feels rather pathetic but I'm saying since I have gotten out of school, and since I have been struggling to find a job... I have probably spent a good near 14 or 15 hours a day on a laptop. Promoting, editing, creating covers, writing, posting taking footage for videos and more... All so I can grow an audience. Now I have grown my accounts, but they do not engage with my work outside of the app. I struggle with bipolar disorder which currently I am not on any medicine and haven't been on medicine for years because it messes my head up even more, but I am saying this for two reasons, I was manic writing all that time. Manic posting. Manic editing and manic socializing and I crashed yesterday and two, I have never been able to build connections... at least strong ones and I do not fully blame being bipolar on that, but I do think it has a big part in something... That and because I'm shy and socially awkward and hate showing my face online but anyways, I know this is my fault.

I have a lot going on in general and I don't want my accounts to go dark, but I think I need to take a break. This is getting to my head, and I can't even find it in my heart to listen to my own moto...

"Even If nobody reads it, write it down anyways."

That being said, I like coming on here to write things... it's a nice corner on the internet that nobody knows about. A nice way to document my journey as a being and a writer so I think I will keep writing on here.

Okay this post has gotten super long.

-Jupiter M. Moon

 

Even if nobody reads a word....

Even if my paged remain

undisturbed and nobody

wishes to open the gates

to my library 

I should hope my pen

never falls quiet

due to the echo's

of my scribbles 

bouncing off the walls

and back to me

I wrote this during a low recently. Ive came out with 4 new books this summer and so far, I have been struggling to get people to read them. It's like I feel so proud and I spend hours upon hours a day just working on them and designing covers, but it goes right into the void. I always tell myself that even if nobody sees it, I have to write anyway.

and I listen to that.

I keep feeling silly that it upsets me, so I wrote this.

-Jupiter M. Moon

Honestly... I was going to talk about being Bipolar- Jupiter M. Moon

I was going to write an entry today about my mental health journey and how I learned I was bipolar. I was even going to write about my hospitalizations... I got pretty far in, but I realized it was drugging up a lot of bad feelings and made me realize how big my memory gaps are. So, I will talk about it another time. 

It's raining here right now, a soft rain. I am in a sad place in my mind right now, but I am not really sure why. I want to start working on my new story... A space romance. I already have a 14-page outline and 4 written chapters. 

I'm thinking about dividing it into 3 parts. It may very well become my first series. I will start talking about the characters on here. 

This post is kind of dragging on! I might talk about my mental health journey later on but in parts because it's a behemoth to write and I don't have the energy nor do I have the heart for it. 

I will be making hot chocolate as this sometimes helps my low moods.

Thanks for reading,

-Jupiter M. Moon

About me: Jupiter M. Moon

Age:   26✋

Gender:  Female👩

Book Count:  8💝

Favorite Color:  Always changing but right now Purple💜

Sign: Gemini👀

Favorite Food: Love a good burger but I also love sweets! 💗💗

Favorite Book: Series: I am a sucker for Twilight ☺

Favorite Season: Winter... I stand by that😎

What I like To Do: I like birdwatching, writing, storm chasing, and photography! 💅

Am I In College: Yes, currently pursing my bachelor's in psychology...but already hold an associate's in liberal studies! 👏

My Dreams: I hope that I succeed as a poet and author. I also hope to get my doctorate in psychology and own my own practice.

Other: I struggle with mental illness, so majority of my works focuses on that. I aim to make others who struggle with Mental Illnesses like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and insomnia feel less alone.

That's a little about me!

Thanks for reading!

-Jupiter M. Moon

It doesn't happen right away

 We all have to start somewhere. Even if this blog gets zero views and my books are never opened again, I can die proud knowing I at least tried and started. But I now have a collection worthy of promotion and individual poems I think are good enough to submit to a magazine. Just keep trying.

-Jupiter M. Moon

How far Ive came

 I made a big step today. I submitted some of my works for a magazine.  I won't be hearing back for a month or so, but I finally produced something I thought was good enough to submit. I have exhausted my pen but in doing so I published 4 titles in under a year. 

Today I also made a portfolio of all my titles and seeing them all bunched up together like that made me emotional. To think I had no books to my name, and I now have not 1 but 8... blows my mind! Even if nobody reads them, I'm happy I wrote them.

I have been learning how to make covers a bit better through typography. My covers look very amateur, but they are mine, so I love them. I plan to keep perfecting my craft.

Anyways today was a slow day, I'm feeling rather down today. I have a lot on my mind and even though its 8pm I'm thinking about making coffee. One with a chocolate bar placed in the cup.

I have a job interview on Friday; I really hope I get it.

Be back tomorrow!

-Jupiter M. Moon